That is how long the hospital told us it could take for the results of Wrens’ post-mortem to come.
That is four months.
One Hundred and Twelve days.
Those 16 weeks will actually have been a total of 18 weeks and 4 days since Wren was born by the time we have our appointment.
Whatever way you look at it, for us that wait is a VERY long time.
To be honest those first few weeks didn’t even come in to the equation; they are a blur of extreme pain and emotion, so many tears. Each morning I would wake up and wonder if it was physically possible to cry any more. How could there even be any more tears? It was almost 5 weeks after Wren was born that we had her funeral. Honestly most of the time between leaving hospital and that day, I can’t remember. Since the funeral though, waiting for results is our only focus.
What could be harder than giving birth to your baby, knowing that she will not take a breath?
I can tell you that it was leaving our baby behind at the hospital, the worst experience of my Life. December 4th, the day my heart was smashed to smithereens. We left hospital that day with a memory box , a bag of freshly washed baby clothes and nappies and and just enough strength to carry ourselves to the car.
I didn’t even hesitate when they asked us if we would like to have a post mortem. Even if there isn’t a conclusive answer, if we didn’t have it done, we would never know and that question would never go away. We were warned that in many cases they are unable to find a reason as to why. The doctors and consultants were at a loss as to what had happened…
I have a history of heart problems, I had open heart surgery at 12 and have suffered with high blood pressure ever since. Because of this we had been for so many extra checks – a scan once a fortnight in fact after our 20 week scan for one reason or another and every single time our little bird was A-OK.
I don’t even know what the best outcome would be – if there is a reason that Wren died or if there is not? Will I feel even more pain if it turns out to be “Just one of those things”?
I don’t think so.
My biggest fear right now is that there is a reason, a huge great massive reason that we can’t have a baby, not now and not in the future. That fear may well be irrational, but after 124 days of waiting so far, I’ve had a long time to think about it and “I’m never going to have a baby to bring home” sits along with the “I must have done something wrong” and the “it’s all my fault” and they constantly swirl around in my subconscious.
I have read a lot about baby loss now and I know these feelings are natural and I also know in my heart that I couldn’t have done anything differently in my pregnancy, but what I do not know and I need to know is the outcome of Wrens’ post mortem.
When we go to the hospital to discuss the results, how will I cope? At the moment the pieces of my heart that I managed to salvage from the bereavement room floor feel like they are being held together with wet selotape, loosely bunched together but with a little nudge could come unstuck with ease.